Moving Through The 10 Stages of Grief After Losing A Pet
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Everyone experiences grief at least once during their life, and it is especially hard when it relates to those you love and care about the most, including your pets.
The general idea that grief comes in multiple stages was famously based on a book by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (On Death and Dying) that covers 5 stages. However, it has been argued that there are closer to 10 stages of grief that the majority of people go through after experiencing the loss of a pet.
Ten stages of grief may sound like a lot, but when you unpack them, they make sense. There are so many emotions that humans go through after experiencing something so heartwrenching that it is understandable that there are more than just five generic stages.
So, what are the 10 stages of grief, and what can you expect after losing a pet?
The “main” 5 stages of grief after losing a pet consist of:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Now, let’s be honest, these are the 5 “main, recognised stages of grief” but they are not the only stages you can expect to go through. Not to mention, they are not always experienced in this exact order. It’s also not linear, which means that some days you will feel anger, others you may jump to acceptance. Then, just when you think you’re doing ok, something can trigger a memory and throw you right back into bargaining and depression.
It’s cruel, and grief is truly one of the worst experiences anyone can go through. But it is, unfortunately, a natural part of life and is the worst part about loving a furbaby (or another type of animal you’ve added into your family).
Over the years, research into how people grieve has uncovered another 5 “stages”, bringing the grand total to 10 stages of grief.
Whether you lose a pet suddenly or have time to come to terms with the situation, you’re still likely to go through the individual steps on your path to healing.
So, what are the 10 stages of grief after losing a pet?
- Shock
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Reconstruction
- Acceptance
- Hope
- Meaning-Making
So, as you can see, there are extra stages that we go through when processing grief and much of it is subconscious. We don’t consciously go through these stages, it just happens as time progresses. But we can sometimes get stuck for a longer period in some stages compared to others.
But what does each of these 10 stages mean when it comes to grief? Let’s unpack what each one looks like and what you can expect to experience after a heartbreaking loss.
Please note: Grieving loved pets is not linear, and you may not experience these steps in the same order.
Shock
This is usually the first step. It’s the phase after the loss in question that causes you to feel frozen, numb and oftentimes completely stunned by the loss. Even if it was a loss you were expecting (due to old age or illness), it still stuns you when it happens, and it activates our freeze state.
Denial
Denial is one of the 10 stages of grief, where you simply can’t come to terms with what has happened. Even if you know it has happened, your heart just won’t allow you to believe it. Thoughts such as “This can’t be real” will fill your mind throughout, and it’s your body’s way of refusing to believe the loss of your pet, even if unconsciously you know it’s true.
Anger
Anger is a stage of grief that can rear its head in more ways than one. You could find yourself angry with yourself, the pet you lost or others around you. It’s the feeling of rage paired with resentment around this heartbreaking situation that makes you angry, often in ways you haven’t experienced before. It’s common to have thoughts like “This isn’t fair, why did this happen to us?” during this time.
Bargaining
Bargaining is another of the 10 stages of grief that follows, and it tends to look the same in most people. It’s when you find yourself thinking back to before the loss occurred, when your beloved pet was still with you, and you’ll be overthinking every scenario and finding ways to see what you could have done differently. “If I had done this, maybe they’d still be with us” is the common thought process going through the minds of those left behind after experiencing the loss of a pet. You want to understand, even if you know it’s not possible, if there was anything you could have done to make the situation have a different outcome.
Guilt
Guilt, also known as survivor’s guilt, is the stage of grief when you feel responsible for what happened, as though it was your fault your pet was no longer with you. Even if there was simply nothing you could have done, and even if you did everything you possibly could have, you will likely go through the stage of guilt as a coping mechanism. Whether you feel like you didn’t do enough, or maybe you did something wrong, you need to remember to be kind to yourself, as grief is something you’re dealing with that shows how much you loved your pet.
Depression
This is where you feel a deep sense of sadness, loneliness and often feel the need to withdraw from your usual life and patterns. Depression can take over your entire life, causing you to lose interest in things you once loved, and making it feel impossible to complete basic tasks. Every day functioning can feel difficult compared to how it was before experiencing your loss.
Reconstruction
Reconstruction is one of the more positive of the 10 stages of grief, as it’s where you start to pick the pieces of your life and put them back together. It’s a slow process, but it is where you are finally starting to make changes to your life to gradually get back to where you once were, only now you’re adjusting to the space in your life.
Acceptance
Acceptance often comes late in the 10 stages of grief cycle, but not always at the end. It’s a stage where things slowly start to feel a tiny bit easier. You’ve come to terms with the loss, and although you might not be ok with the outcome, you’ve accepted that this is your new reality. You can appreciate that life will continue to move forward, even if it feels hard to do.
Hope
Another more positive stage of grief, hope, is the stage where you begin to envision life again beyond the pain. You’ll start to be open to positive possibilities again and are no longer stuck in what feels like a never-ending pit of hurt. You’ll begin to slowly start enjoying things you once loved again and find it easier to look towards the future without guilt.
Meaning-making
This is often the last stage of the 10 stages of grief after losing a pet. It’s when you begin to look at how you have or can grow through the experience of losing a beloved pet. It’s usually when you start to find a sense of purpose again after going through something so hurtful that you begin to find the positives wherever you can, while looking for ways to move forward and understand what you can learn from this.
As you can see, there is a large range of emotions that take place through the grieving process after losing a pet. The key takeaway is that you are not wrong for experiencing these stages, even if it feels like it’s taking you longer to get past some of them than those around you.
No two grieving experiences are the same, and oftentimes, the order in which people process grief is different. While you are going through denial, someone else could be filled with anger, and neither is wrong. It’s our brains’ way of protecting us, the only way it knows how, and no two grief journeys are identical.
Key thing to remember: There is no timeline to grief. You are not “wrong” for still feeling these things after months or years.
In some grief journeys, you may even find that you skip some stages entirely, whereas others may hit every single one. Again, it doesn’t mean you are handling anything “wrong”; it just means you are going through the motions, which is completely normal.
The key point to remember when struggling with grief is to be kind to yourself and those around you, and patient. You will come out the other side.
Growing through and after the 10 stages of pet grief
Real growth through grief hurts like hell. It’s not easy, and it’s definitely not something I’d wish on my worst enemy, let alone those I love.
Losing a pet is no less hurtful than losing a family member or a friend, just because they are of a different species to us humans. There is no shortcut. It takes courage to get out the other side, and it demands radical self-honesty and the patience to really allow yourself to feel your emotions instead of bottling them up.
Please don’t suppress your emotions. Allow yourself a little time to feel each stage as this, although very painful at the time, is one of the best ways to come out of the cycle in the best state for rebuilding.
Throughout your time on our site, I hope we can support you and show you that there is no wrong way to grieve. We want to build a community that helps others going through the same kind of loss to lean on each other.
Stay kind to yourselves.
