Understanding what each of the stages of pet loss grief looks like
We covered in another post how there are 5 “original” stages of grief, but after years of research, it was identified that there are closer to 10 stages.
But how do these stages align when you’re dealing with the loss of a pet? Pets are such a huge part of our lives; they’re often thought of as members of our families, and it is undeniably heartwrenching when they’re no longer with us.
One thing that many people find comforting is knowing that they are not alone in their grief, even if they wouldn’t wish this feeling on others. Simply being aware that someone else knows how you feel, you can feel a sense of togetherness, which can make it easier to move through each step after losing your furbaby.
So, let’s dive into the various stages of grief and how they might show up during pet loss.
Shock & Denial
You might wake up expecting to see your pet. After a deep sleep, it may take a few moments to remember what has happened, and you may momentarily forget that your pet is no longer with you. Your brain struggles to adjust to this new reality. Some people believe they can hear their pets’ footsteps or other sounds that they have become so used to throughout their time in your household, even though they know deep down this isn’t possible.
Denial is your brain’s way of protecting you from the initial overwhelming pain, but if you stay in this stage for too long without allowing yourself to process, you risk emotional numbness and avoidance. You might not believe that you won’t get to see your pet again, that it’s all a bad dream, and you’ll wake up soon.
Pain & Guilt
When you finally feel the pain, it usually hits hard, oftentimes, you can even feel the pain physically in your body. You might find yourself replaying your decisions from the last few months, trying to relieve the guilt you likely feel. “Did I do the right thing?” “Could we have done anything differently?” “Would they still be here if I did something else?”.
Grief often shows up stronger in cases of pet loss because pets are dependent on us and euthanasia decisions can haunt people with various “what if” scenarios. Facing this stage head-on is critical, and it requires you to be brave and courageous while doing so. If you refuse to feel the emotions and allow yourself to work through the pain and walk through your guilt, it can eventually fester into a deep shame, which prolongs this stage.
Anger & Bargaining
When it comes to losing a pet, you’re eventually going to go through the anger and bargaining stages of pet loss grief. You may find yourself feeling angry at your pet for leaving you or “giving up”. You might have anger towards yourself for not doing more, and perhaps feeling angry at the vet for doing what they needed to do. This feeling, although horrible, is a normal part of the grieving process after losing a pet.
Bargaining, however, sounds like: “If only I’d taken them to the vet sooner..”. It’s a form of anger that your brain latches onto when trying to fawn over a different outcome. This anger isn’t “bad”, it’s simply part of releasing emotional energy surrounding the situation. It’s worth noting,g though, that if you blame the loss of your pet unfairly (whether that be yourself or others), you block yourself from healing.
Depression & Isolation
After some time, the true sorrow of [et grief starts to set in, its one of the most easily recognised stages of grief and the one most people think of when it comes to identifying how people grieve. Friends may not “get” why you’re still grieving “just a pet” but you know that your pet wasn’t just that, they were a member of your family. Pet owners understand, however, that those who don’t have pets often don’t comprehend this feeling.
Feeling misunderstood can lead you to withdraw and isolate yourself, which over time can be dangerous. It subconsciously teaches you that your grief is wrong or that you’re alone. In the moment, it might feel safer to be alone and step away from things you once enjoyed, however, it’s actually easier and faster on the road to healing to allow yourself to grieve with loved ones. Naming and validating your loss is crucial here; it’s not just a pet, it’s a profound relationship you’ve had to say goodbye to.
Reconstruction & Working through
Slowly, after some time, you start adjusting to this new normal. You might pack away your pet’s things, from toys, collars, bowls and beds. This is when you might make a memorial or find other ways to honour your pet’s memory. Your routines shift, and you start to build a new life around the void your beloved pet left. This isn’t necessarily “moving on” it’s moving forward, given the circumstances and the love you once shared.
If you skip this step and don’t gradually allow yourself to reconstruct your life piece by piece, you run the risk of getting stuck in past stages of perpetual sadness. The longer you stay in the harder stages, the harder it can be to get yourself back out.
Acceptance & Hope
You eventually reach the stage in your heart where you can acknowledge that your pet is physically gone, even though the emotional bond remains. You wake up in the mornings, and instead of still believing you’ll see your furry friend, you understand that the opposite is true. It doesn’t hurt less, but you have learned to continue your life growing around the grief instead.
You may start to feel a spark of hope again, maybe consider opening your heart to another pet one day in the future (which does not mean you are replacing the one you lost). Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting. It means integrating your grief into a new, meaningful way and understanding that the reason the grief hurts so much is because you loved your pet so deeply. That’s something you should be proud of and shouldn’t ignore.
The stages of pet loss grief are no different to other forms
Although the stages of grief in general follow the same stages (even if not in the same exact order) they can appear slightly different depending on where the grief stems from.
One thing to note about pet loss is that it often triggers disenfranchised grief, which means that society doesn’t fully acknowledge or validate it, especially those who don’t have pets. That makes it even more important for you to honour every messy, raw stage of the grief cycle.
If you avoid any stage, especially pain or guilt, it will resurface later and often be harder. That’s because when you avoid a stage, you are essentially suppressing your emotions which might offer relief in the short-term but it will undoubtedly bite you in the butt down the line and often feel much worse than it did to begin with.
Healing is not linear. It does not follow the same exact order for everyone.
You can bounce between stages and return to stages you thought you had completely moved through. This is completely normal, as hard as that might be to hear. What matters most during each stage is facing each feeling honestly as best you can and not feeling ashamed for doing so.
